Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Schismnoid's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
1:48 am	wish i could learn one day i wish i could wake up, and have something different. i have stuff to sort of occupy my time...i have a computer, and stereo, and tv, and nice things, but physical objects are so...?discouraging? i wish i could live a life where i feel happiness. i wish i lived a life where i could cry once again. people say you should cry if you feel the need,...but what if you cant. i wish i could live a life filled with truths, and not so many lies. basically a life that could never exsist. i used to once think that pain was supposed to be felt if something happens. i used to think you should be sad if you were raised a certain way. i used to think people mattered. but i am starting to wonder anymore. shit happens...and i might never know why. sometimes i wish i knew why it happened...but then i think it might be for the best to not thinik about it. ive changed... maybe not for the better though. Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Friday, September 13th, 2002
12:33 am	Boredom eats me like cancer. I want to move to new orleans.i think i would really love it there. this town eats me like cancer. i hate it here...not here in my home, its the one place i feel protected. but like, you know when parents might not want there child going over to a certain home, because of the messed up shit that night go on there...like drug abuse, or family abuse...or whatever it is...a gambling parent, a drunk...whatever the case may be...i feel that that house i would never want to go to, is lebanon. i hate that place. i've seen some many peoples lives turned upside down, sideways, then chewed up, adn shit out on a platter for everyone to examine in the past couple years. people that used to be cool, that have now just gone into dope, or becoming alcoholics, or weed junkies. it depresses the shit out of me. THEN i get shunned out of peoples lives, and i get called the outcast, and the weird one (selected few of us left here), and these druggies actually look down on ME...and point there finger at ME. how dare they. they are so fucking ignorant, and....i dunno...pathetic it is quite discusting. but new orleans would be the place for me i think. i dont get to hang out with my family as much as i would like to, and i try harder anymore, but...when 2 of us are at work, the others are home, and ?vise-versa? i wish i could win a 100+ million dollar lottery...not for the money to go spend factor, but maybe so that my whole family could all retire, and we could all go do shit together. i dont wanna be like the brady bunch or anything...but i havent done anything with my parents in quite a while now. i try to get my lazy ass out of bed to go chill with my dad and help him out on weekends (if im not working). and along with my sister and mom. i look up to my sister probably more than anyone else in this world. i wish i could go bowling with my mom still...no time. i sit in my room...with nothing to do. sit in my....boredom-ness. wishing for stuff that will probably never happen. its sad when i dont like, and cant hang out with friends anymore really cuz they are all getting fucked up...and rotting from the inside out, adn they cant see that. and i dont talk to the very selected few ACTUAL friends i do have anymore. another thing i wish i did. a lot of people i know talk about moving out of this town like it is the solution to the problem...so the will power got tossed out the window long ago??? leave this place and fix yourself, and make this the shit-pit for the fucked up people? that would eb even better to live in, but if moving is the answer...do it, dont talk about it, and good for you. whatever kind of cure you can find may it wash you clean of what you may have become or done... new orleans sounds like a nice place... (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 16th, 2002
1:39 am	soon. slowly, but surely, i will change. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 15th, 2002
2:50 am	hopefully soon. i will change. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 24th, 2001
4:18 am	quite the time to feel like being creative its like god damn 4 in the morning...and i feel like drawing, i know i could...but it would be at least 7 or 8 in the morning before i get done. i dunno. life works in mysterious ways. you think you know people...til they do sumthing kinda stupid, that you always though different of. that doesnt make sence...but if you have thoughts implanted in your head of what you think is ''cool'' and ''not cool'' and sumone does sumthing you think is ''not so cool'' kinda stinks. life seems to work that way though. kinda like you talk to sumone about hating grilled cheese sandwiches...then you go to your favorite restaurant, and there special for the day is grilled cheese sandwiches. kinda sucks. you have thoughts about things, think about things that make you who you are, and you search sumtimes so hard to find sumone on that same brain frequency pattern...and you find them...then you go home to them, and they are making grilled cheese sandwiches. so wish i had a bottle to put back right now. have been cravin that a lot lately. o well. maybe i can talk my mom or sister into gettin me/us one. i can only hope. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Wumpscut ~ChristFuck~ (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 18th, 2001
11:12 pm	woo hoo. back online. how pathetic am i that i have been waitin all weekend for monday to roll around so we could get the internet bill paid so i could get back online. i finally got my new computer i always wanted, and i have been so caught up in tryin to figure it all out, i havent even downloaded my journal to it yet. so i thought it was time. pretty boring here. havent done nuthin cool. though i am stoked bout goin back to school real soon. just gunna wait for the new year, and for classes to start. i wants to get sum kind of computer art, or graphics degree so i can get a landmark put on my map of life. im getting any younger right? cant believe i am saying that at 18 years old. o well. and my car is in the shit hole again. and being fixed (hopefully). if i can get more hours at my current job, or find another part time job, we are talkin bout gettin a new car fer me so that i can get to school and to work. and if things go as i would like them too...then i will have a bad ass job in a few years, and i can get any car (pretty much) that i want. but anyways....must take shower...computer sucking me in... i wanna go back to shool. porche...here i come. Current Mood: dirty Current Music: Wumpscut ~Golgotha~ (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 24th, 2001
5:24 am	i hate my life. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
12:22 am	bleh i so tired. i just got off work. another shitty day, at another shitty job. i turned in a few more applications today...because i GOT to get another job. i called the repair guy about my car, and the bearings in the transmission are bad, and it will be 600 dollars to get a new one, probably even more for the labor to have it put in. my dads not too happy...dont blame him though. just a rut in hit wallet. im tired, and bored, and...tired, and bored...so i will probably go fall asleep. i hate being alone, o well... Current Mood: tired Current Music: Fear Factory ~Ressurection~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 2nd, 2001
12:36 am	We LiKE To EaT ThE ChiLdReN woo...so much fun here. MY CAR IS NO MORE GOD FUCKING KUNT ASS PUSSY BALL SACK SNIFFIN CUM GUZZLIN GUTTER WHORES this sucks. i have noticed a 'knocking' noise in my car the past few days and shit...and like, i thought it was my transmission goin out in it, and tonight, 20 minutes before i had to be at work, i was leaving the grocery store to get smokes...and it sounded like my whole exhaust system went 'ker-plunt' and fell on the ground. was quit that though...so i drove my car through the parking lot for it to strall a few times, and make god-awful grinding noises, and clanks. so i said "FuCK!!!'' i tried to drive it, and it wouldnt go into gear, then it wouldnt go out of gear, but when i puch the clutch in...it stops making that horrid noise, but soon as i let the clutch out, it makes it and shakes my car. so my car is sitting in the shop'n'kart parking lot. luckely it is like...RIGHT next to where i work...so i walked over there. had to go to court yesterday..on fucking halloween...cuz i was a witness in a case against my friend...he supposedly keyed this little pukes car like...back in may. and i was with him when he supposedly did this scratching of the kids car. my friends lawyer did pretty good in pointing out the horrible horrible statements made by the other witnesses who supposedly saw us scratch his car. it was even a juried trial...6 jurors...but he was found not guilty...so that is all good. and the paid me 10 bucks for testifying as a witness!!! RoCK! then i had to work yesterday too...i dressed up as myself. i got to wear all my jewelry , and makeup, and blood that i normally wear everyday. all the people there (working, and buying) kept joking with me that i wasnt dressed up and all that stuff. and that halloween must suck for me, cuz i dont get to dress up. but its all good. crazy old fuckers. i kinda did the crow facepaint though. wasnt nessaraly him or anything...just a little different makeup... but anyways...i got to get up and call a few places to see if they will LOOK at my car for free before they do anything....then i gots to call the insurance to have them towe my car to wherever it is i decide to take it before the grocery store manager decides to have it towed himself. that would suck ass...a big hairy one... o well... Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Type O Negative ~Creepy Green Light~ (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 22nd, 2001
3:59 am	my ears have finally stopped ringing i got back friday night (well...saturday morning) from seeing SiX FeeT UndER in concert! o lordy it kicked so much ass. it was the fucking greatest thing ive been to in a while. i was kind of pissed though, 4 bands out of 9 canceled...and i wanted to see soilent green, dimmu borgir, and mainly napalm death, and they were 3 of the 4 that didnt show. but seeing darkest hour, god forbid, LMB oF GoD (RoCKED!), and the main macheezmo's six feet under made up for the losses that night. o it was so rad to see them all play. and to see chris barnes up close...right there in front of you...to grab his foot and shit...was just rad. lamb of god kicked fuckin ass too. the singer, had a nice shiney...sweaty back...except for the one patch of 6 inch long hair about 3 inches around on his left shoulder...was kinda odd. so many people got kicked out for fighting...so many fights broke out. but i had a good time there. i took up smoking again. BLAH! i hate cigarettes. i finally after like 3 or 4 years, quit smoking for like...6 or 7 weeks, then i started up again a week or so ago. it fucking sucks. i am gunna try and quit again eventually. o...i am working at appletree's of all places once again. i told myself i would never work there again, and i give dallas crap for workin there after sayin he wouldnt work there again...and look where im at. o well, it i s a job while i look for a better one. but stuff happens...good or bad... o well... Current Mood: excited Current Music: Marilyn Manson ~Tourniquet~ (Comment on this)
Monday, October 15th, 2001
4:46 am	finally!!! YaY...mr. skunk is finally mine...i have been hunting a skunk for like...the past 3 or 4 months now. he was outside ealier when everyone was actually awake, and like, i got my shot gun and went out there, and the bitch was gone. and like, 20 minutes ago (4:15ish in the morning), i went out to my car to get my cd's...and there he was, plain open shot. so i got my gun...and waited a few pondering if i should kill him and wake everyone in the neighborhood up or not...but i got him...woo hoo. and he didnt even really stink TOO bad. so i am all worn out from digging a whole in the cold fog with a shovel that was like 6 inches wide (my grandparents were borrowing all our normal shovels). and i smele a little like skunk now...my hair, and clothes...but a smallprice to pay fer not smelling ronchy skunk every weekend to were your eyes burn even inside the house. o well... Current Mood: hot Current Music: Wumpscut ~Embryodead~ (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
11:11 pm	Boo Bleh im bored and feeling stupid. the weather here...i love. its all rainy and cold outside and stuff...sept its windy. i dont like the wind in the rain here, cuz my car is real small, and likes to get pushed around by the wind. i havent gotten on to write in my journal lately...prolly cuz i have no life to talk about to myself. i do basically the same thing everyday. or like, the same days keep reppeating themselves over and over. it really sux though. i might finally have a job tomorrow...washin dishes again. but i still need to go to the porn shop. i wanna work at the porn shop...that would be cool. and they are 24hours, so maybe i could work night hours, since im awake then anyways. my friends are stoopid too...there as alexio would say 'ra-tarded'. i was appletrees tonight, and alexio started being stupid, and having convoltion like spazms, and he started drooling everywhere, and evded up blowin a snot rocket out of his nose, and kim was at the end of the bar, and ran into the back and threw up because of it. everyone was pissed...but it was funnier than shit. i couldnt stop laughing, so kim was pissed at me too for laughing, but i couldnt control myself. but he felt bad for it, and wrote her a sorry letter on the back of one of the napkins. that was bout the highlite of my week... anyways... life goes on, o well... Current Mood: weird Current Music: Gitane Demone ~Talse Of Innocense~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 5th, 2001
4:05 am	weight: 148lbs. i am finally feeling better from being sick. and i ended up losing more weight again from being sick, and that is the opposite of what i want here. i try and try and try to gain weight, and i eat and i eat and eat, and i lift my weights everyday now...and for every pound i gain, i lose one anda half pounds. i feel so bad...because i know my parents would love to be thin again...and they try...no...the do eat right, and get out and exercise...and wont eat anything that tastes good...and i sit there, and eat this...shit that would choke a horse...and i sit on my fuckin ass and do nothing. and i lose weight. i feel so fucking bad. i feel like and asshole all the time. my mom gives me money all the time...to go spend, and i dont do anything for her. my sister baught me lunch today...like usual. its never me buying anyone lunch or dinner, or giving my parents money to help them out with anything. i dont even know who i am typing all this too...no one fucking reads this...maybe like my sister and sandi... i just wish for once...that somthing right would happen to my family...cuz i feel like the wrong of it. this sucks... o fucking well... Current Mood: stressed Current Music: TooL ~Pushit~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 4th, 2001
3:13 am	o i feel like shit i think this is the longest i have been with my computer turned off. i have been so sick the past couple days. i still dont feel all that great, but i am finally getting better i guess. head hurts...muscles hurt...evrything hurts. and all i didnt today was sleep, so of course i am wide awake, thought i could probably fall asleep if i really tried. but i need more rest to get all the way better. i hate being sick... o well... Current Mood: sick Current Music: Taproot ~I~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
11:59 am	i like the rain YaY! its finally raining here. i have been waiting, and wanting it to rain for quite sum time now. these are some of my favorite times to listen to type o neg., and draw, and write. and i cant wait to go drive in it. but i have to get a new fan belt for my car first. this bruise on my arm has grown over night. and i dont know what it is. its probably the aliens...they tracked me down because of my glasses...they know where i am at all times, all the time. kinda scary... well...i need to go lift weights...and go get a belt for my car so i can drive it when i need to. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Type O Negative ~Everyone I Loe Is Dead~ (Comment on this)
3:40 am	i like my car! i have a nasty bruise on my right arm...and i have no idea where it came from what-so-ever. and there is a nasty bump in the middle of it...almost like there is a b-b under my skin. its kinda creepin me out. and i think the bruise is growing, but im hoping its just my immagination. sumtimes i wish i knew how to be closer to a lot more people. i wish i knew how to open up a little bit more for people...so that if someone were to ever ask me if something is wrong...i wouldnt have to lie and say nothing, or avoid the questions...but maybe it will all work out in the end...hopefully o well... Current Mood: calm Current Music: A Perfect Circle ~Judith~ (Comment on this)
Monday, September 24th, 2001
7:40 pm	shhhh im o so tired...and have a headache from hell. nothing seems appealing to me right now what so ever. its hot in here...and im not comfortable no matter what i do. i am too lazy to do anything...but i dont want to go to bed. last night i was mean to dustann...and i dont know why i was. i dont think i had any reason to be a dickhead...but i was. i am tired of shit. im getting sick of seeing my bestfriend and his girlfriend fight...and argue...and bitch almost all the time anymore. they broke up 2 days ago for like...a whole 15 minutes...whata load of garbage. o well... i think i will end most of my feelings on anything with an 'o-well'... must go to sleep now o well... Current Mood: tired Current Music: WumpScut ~Golgotha~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
11:46 pm	so sick of it all just as things to get maybe better in my life...i begin to feel like shit. i think of how me and my girl friend are...and i dont like it. sumtimes i feel like as if....i dont really know. i know we arent supposed to be together...but i dont quite know the feelings or words of how to express them. i talked to sandi today on the phone, and she told me how her sister is a fuckin bitch, and that she isnt welcome in her home anymore...poor sandi. wish i could make things better for a lot of people. wish i could make things btter for myself sumday. dont know quite how to do that yet. or maybe i do...but i just cant fucking do it. i hate shit...it sucks. Current Mood: disappointed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 21st, 2001
3:32 pm	twEakEr went job hunting today...probably once again no luck...but o well. tomorro wis always a new day. went to some little diner/restaurant today out in the middle of nowhere to apply...and it looked like somthing out of twin peaks or sumthing. i felt like when i walk out of the restaurant, that i would be in some 5th demention or sumthing. maybe just wishful thinking though...cuz that would be cool. you are right sandi...people do equal shit...but istill hate the song. boo to slipknot. hehe... i cant wait to go and see six feet under with all the other cool bands that will be there. its about time i will get sum aggression out. i think i have been needing that for a while. blah...i ate a sandwich...and now i feel all pukey. o well...must go lift weights. and christy...if killing the d.j. is morresy...pretty cool...just not his voice.. >:) Current Mood: okay Current Music: Sex Gang Children ~Beasts~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:32 am	crazys in my head life sucks here. nothing to do. went to wal-mart-fall-apart yesterday. and there was a little girl that told her mom that i had lipstick on. she then added that i look like a girl because of that fact that i was wearing lipstick. nothing unusual. and then i got to thinking...if lipstick was made for women to wear, and men ARENT supposed to wear lipstick...then how cum kids are raised, to where if they are to see a woman NOT wearing lipstick or makeup, they dont look like men to them??? confuses me that people cant open there minds for once in there life. o well... well...i was gunna write more, but i need to go to bed. MUST find a job tomorrow. so i gots to get up early to do that. even though there five...kids words scare me, because they are the next generation of assholes to point and stare and become afraid of stupid shit. i hate people. Current Mood: weird Current Music: TooL ~the Grudge~ (1 Comment |Comment on this)